Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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