Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
