im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Why can't burritos get me drunk
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
