Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
