i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize