I puked a lego.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
