Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
