So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
