It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
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