I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
