You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
