There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
