If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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