This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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