Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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