party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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