my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my shit smells like andre
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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