You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
