do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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