I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize