At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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