i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
