I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Sorry about my life...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
