she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
