Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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