3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
thus making me awesome and them whores
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
