I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
