why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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