Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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