i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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