Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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