I can text with my tongue
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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