I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
