While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
