i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
