btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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