Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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