She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
