...so i touched it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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