You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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