I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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