just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm too high and old for this...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
