At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
