my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wear drunk well.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
