There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
