Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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