no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
cat food counts as protein by the way
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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