She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
