Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
