I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
