I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
