A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
