dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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