I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Randomize
