I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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