I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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