I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
