I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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