She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
