Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
