you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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