I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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