i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
